A More In Depth View of the
Secure Attachment Style
Attachment is an overarching system that explains the principles, the rules, and the emotions of relationships—how they work and why they don’t, how we feel when we’re with the ones we love the most.
Comparison of Attachment Styles
Avoidant Attachment Style POSITIVE View of SELF/NEGATIVE View of OTHER
Grass is greener on my side of the fence “I am the smart one. You are not.”
Anxious/ Ambivalent Attachment Style NEGATIVE View of SELF /POSITIVE View of OTHER
Grass is greener on your side of the fence. “You are the smart one.” I am not.”
Disorganized Attachment Style NEGATIVE view of SELF / NEGATIVE view of OTHERS
No grass Satan lied to us about who God is and who we are! “We can’t love or trust. Anyone.”
Secure Attachment Style POSITIVE view of SELF/POSITIVE view of OTHER
Green grass no fences plenty of love for all. God says we are both designed in His image.
Questions we ask ourselves
“Are you there for me?
Can I count on you? Do you really care about me?
Am I worthy of your love and protection?
What do I have to do to get your attention, your affection, your heart?
These are questions of attachment. When they cannot be answered positively, your psychological, relational, and even spiritual foundations can be shaken”
(By Dr. Tim Clinton & Dr. Gary Sibcy "Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do".)
Is it accurate to say that you are there for me? Would I be able to depend on you when I am afraid or discouraged? Do you truly think about me? Am I deserving of your affection and assurance? What do I need to do to stand out enough to be noticed, your love, your heart? These are inquiries of connection. When they can't be addressed emphatically, your mental, social, and even profound establishments can be shaken
“Unthinking confidence in the unfailing accessibility and support of attachment figures is the bedrock on which stable and self-reliant personality is built.” —JOHN BOWLBY
Careless trust in the unfailing availability and support of connection figures is simply the bedrock on which steady and dependent identity is assembled. 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP)
and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. [Ps 55:22.]
Shared from Pocket Bible
Secure Attachment Style
Secure Attachment Style POSITIVE view of SELF/POSITIVE view of OTHER
Green Pastures “We have that loving feeling.” God says we are both designed in His image
a. Anxious/Ambivalent Disorder and Emotions
1. Comfortable with their own feelings and comfortable with other’s feelings.
b. Secure Attachment and Intimacy
1. Moves toward you in conflict and attempts to connect relationally
How Do We Establish Our Secure Attachment Style?
A. The good news is that we can’t. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the kingdom of God.”
B. The even better news is that Jesus already has! “In Whom we have our redemption through His blood, [which means] the forgiveness of our sins”. Colossians 1:14 (AMP) “And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.” 1 John 2:2 (KJV (Propitiation means payment in full.) Jesus paid for ALL of our sins. We can’t mess this up. Except by not accepting the price that was paid.
Applying My Free Will
“You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.” James 4: 1-10
Peterson, Eugene. The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language
We must use our free will to get past our self-centered nature. “He died for all people, so that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for the one who died and rose for them. So then, from now on we do not think of anyone from a human point of view. Even if we did think of the Messiah from a human point of view, we don’t think of him that way anymore” (2 Corinthians 5:15–16, ISV).
We should stop evaluating others by what the world thinks about them and by the way they act on the outside. Instead, we can choose to see them as spirit beings; then we can clearly see the deception of Satan in their lives. We can speak our words of love to them, even in the face of their fear. We can pray for them to be able to see clearly between the kingdom of darkness and the kingdom of light. We can ask God to send people to minister to them and angels to protect them when we are apart. As we begin to see our mates as spirit beings, designed in God’s image, we can begin to agree with God about who they are and set them free from our judgment.
Maturity Comes with Dependency on Jesus
“…until all of us are united in the faith and in the full knowledge of God’s Son, and until we attain mature adulthood and the full standard of development in the Messiah [Jesus Christ]. Then we will no longer be little children, tossed like waves and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, or by clever strategies that would lead us astray. 2Instead, by speaking the truth in love, we will grow up completely and become one with the head, with the Messiah [Jesus Christ]” (Ephesians 4:13–15, NIV).
Spiritual maturity only comes as...
Spiritual maturity only comes as we learn to depend fully on God, put to death our self-centered nature, and get in harmony with one another. Being able to get past our self-centered nature enables us to become others-centered, agree with God, and speak the truth in love.
The truth is that every one of us has a sinful nature and is deceived. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23, KJV). The first thing that God said was not good was “for Adam to be alone,” Gen 2:18 We need someone else to help us see our own deception.
Whatever God says is full of real power. The most repeated words in the creation story is “Then God said” those words are used 8 times in the first chapter of Genesis from those words comes everything we see. To line up with God’s truth is to operate in reality. Anything contrary to God’s truth is perversion. The realm of the soul (mind, will, and emotion) is where Satan enters with deception. In his letter to the Colossians, the apostle Paul tells us that as believers we are to “See to it that no one enslaves you through philosophy and empty deceit according to human tradition, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to the Messiah [Jesus Christ]” (2:8, ISV).
There are only two life plans in town:
Jesus tells us “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).” John 10:10(AMP)
We get to choose. Not choosing defaults to doing things according to the rules and principals of this world. Which is a kind way of saying Satan’s plan.
I. A Hollow and Deceptive Philosophy Anything without a center is hollow. If Jesus is not the center of our live, then life is hollow. Satan is still telling the same two lies he told in the beginning.
Lie number 1: The Word of God is not true. The serpent said to the woman, “You certainly will not die” (Genesis 3:4, ISV).
Lie number 2: You will profit if you disregard the Word of God.
“Even God knows that on the day you eat from it, your eyes will be opened and you’ll become like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5, ISV).
Self-centered human traditions, and the basic principles of this world, are based on a hollow and deceptive philosophy. The basic principle for the world is love, but it is self-love. “Now the actions of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, rivalry, jealously, outbursts of anger, quarrels, conflicts, factions, envy, murder, drunkenness, wild partying, and things like that. I am telling you now, as I have told you in the past, that people who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19–21, ISV). All of these things are built on self-love.
A Philosophy Built on Christ
The fruit of the Spirit is built on love, but not what the world calls love. The kind of love described in the Word is self-giving love. “Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride. Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever gets annoyed. She never is resentful; is never glad with sin; she’s always glad to side with truth, and pleased that truth will win. She bears up under everything; believes the best in all; there is no limit to her hope, and never will she fall” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ISV). That self-giving love is what prompted Jesus to come to earth and die for you and me (and your mate). The self-giving love of God is at the core of all Christ-centered philosophy. Any game plan that does not have the love of God at the core is hollow. McDaniel, Bob and LaRue Pray the Word: God Intended You to Win … Together (Kindle Locations 256-260). BookBaby. Kindle Edition.
“Come to Me . . ..” MATTHEW 11:28 God intends for us to live a well-rounded life in Christ Jesus. Want to get past the fear that causes you to operate your personality style in fear instead of Love? Turn to the one that made you. We were made in God’s image.
Gen 1: 26-28 God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, And, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth.” God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.” Peterson, Eugene H. The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language
There is no such thing as an unimportant person
When we get our part wrong, we become ashamed and afraid. Which is not the way we are designed so we try to try Fix it!
1.By blaming ourselves or
2. blaming some else for our failure to walk in love.
Yet it is never God’s will that we should be anything less than absolutely be complete in Him. Anything that disturbs our rest in Him must be rectified at once, and it is not rectified by being ignored but only by coming to Jesus Christ. If we will come to Him, asking Him to produce Christ-awareness in us, He will always do it, until we fully learn to abide in Him. Never allow anything that divides or destroys the oneness of your life with Christ to remain in your life without facing it. Beware of allowing the influence of your family, friends or your circumstances to divide your life. This only serves to sap your strength and slow your spiritual growth. Beware of anything that can split your oneness with Him, causing you to see yourself as separate from Him. Nothing is as important as staying right spiritually. And the only solution is a very simple one—Jesus said “Come to Me…” The intellectual, moral, and spiritual depth of our reality as a person is tested and measured by these words. Yet in every detail of our lives where we are found not to be real, we would rather dispute the findings than come to Jesus. (Chambers, Oswald. My Utmost for His Highest, Updated Edition (p. 232). Discovery House Publishers. Kindle Edition.)
Turn to Jesus and listen to Him. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
Perfect Love casts out fear. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
Check your profile and see how you are designed to function when operating in love, if you’re operating in fear don’t blame it on someone else, or get down on yourself. Turn to Jesus and let Him truly be Lord!
You will see the fear part as only a reminder that someone else is deceived. Are you going to get angry with yourself or others because of deception and operating in fear? No! We all used to do that. Remember?
Identify the deceiver, forgive the deceived them and go on with your ABUNDANT LIFE.
What about their offence? THAT HAS BEEN PAID FOR! Jesus was the propitiation! (PAYMENT IN FULL)
The Secure attachment style is the only way
The Secure attachment style is the only way to stop the fear and there by securing the maximum benefits of ALL OF your personality profile.
Secure Attachment – Positive view of self & others
a. Secure Attachment and Emotions
1. Comfortable with their own feelings and comfortable with other’s Feelings.
b. Secure Attachment and Intimacy
1. Moves toward you in conflict and attempts to connect relationally.
The Secure attachment style is the only way to stop fear and by stopping fear you secure the POSITIVE benefits of all of your personality styles and help others to walk in love. We are made in God’s image and God is Love, anytime we act on the way we are designed we are operating in our true design. When we do that we are operating in Love. Gen 1:27 The opposite of God’s Agape Love is not hate it is fear. 2 Tim 1:7
How do Parents operate from a Secure Attachment Style?
“Sensitive parents have a lot on their plates. And around the edges of that plate is written in bold letters: I am trying to construct A foundation on which my children can experience healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.”
Clinton, Tim. Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do (p. 132). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
Times of Trouble Cause you to run to God or Away from God.
God programmed us to seek connection with and comfort from others. Those who study infant behavior call this implicit relational knowing.
Secure attachment is only an extension of our God designed selves. Persons with secure attachment styles automatically seek their attachment figures when distressed, just as God programmed us to seek Him. Long before modern researchers identified this characteristic, John Calvin described it when he wrote, “A sense of deity is inscribed on every heart.”
Bowlby puts it this way: An individual who has been fortunate in having grown up in an ordinary good home with ordinarily affectionate parents has always known people from whom he can seek support, comfort, and protection, and where they are to be found. So deeply established are his expectations and so repeatedly have they been confirmed that, as an adult, he finds it difficult to imagine any other kind of world. This gives him an almost unconscious assurance that, whenever and wherever he might be in difficulty, there are always trustworthy figures available who will come to his aid. He will therefore approach the world with confidence and, when faced with potentially alarming situations, is likely to and they manifest a sense of trust and look to others for help when needed. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor” (NKJV). Pessimistic people, on the other hand, have grown to expect their projects to crumble before their eyes. They’re almost afraid to be happy when life goes well, because if they are, something bad is sure to happen. We call this “happy-phobia.” If you are happy-phobic, you’ve probably never felt comfortable trusting or relying on anyone to come through for you in difficult times. Secure people also know the truth of Ecclesiastes 7:14: “When times are good, be happy; but when times bad tackle them effectively or to seek help in doing so. Secure people realize there’s safety in other people. Here’s great news: You can develop a secure attachment style; no matter which style is governing your relationships now. Your life—your past—while powerful and influential, doesn’t have to command your tomorrows. You can develop what researchers call an “earned, secure base” for building and rebuilding your relationships. John Bowlby .
Turn yourself over to Your Lord Jesus everyday He loves you and if you ever want to know how much just LOOK AT THE CROSS.
This is not rocket science here is how it all works.
Only two games in town
“I am the door: by me if any man enters in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly”. John 10:9-&10 (KJV)Shared from PocketBible for Windows Store (http://www.laridian.com)